Dear Tracey,

My best friend is getting married in California, to her girlfriend of 2 years.  What is appropriate for a gay couple?  They have registered at Bloomies but I want something special.

Supportive and Perplexed,
Kylie, Tacoma

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Hi Kylie,

Ah. The wedding gift question, it’s a toughie, so I’ll get right to it which, simply put,  I always tell everyone that you should ALWAYS purchase a gift off the registry.  If you can’t decide what to give off a registry, give a gift card to the place where the couple is registered.  If you don’t like gift cards, give cash.

Here is the reason why. A registry, was designed in the spirit of holy matrimony to aid and celebrate two people starting out their life together, with the idea that they need help from their friends and families to set them about the business of building a home. It’s an interesting combination of social graces (one must always have nice dishes, silverware and china to serve to one’s guests) and utility (who can afford 6-10 place settings of silverware?)

When I got married, my husband and I were living in a one-bedroom apartment in LA.  Our dishes were an eclectic mix from the 99 Cent Store, and our pots and pans were a sordid collection of hand-me-downs and college remnants.  When we registered we focused on what we really needed and skipped the rest.  We decided on one set of dishes vs. a formal and casual and hoped (because of our large families) that we could get more sets of one pattern rather then a few sets of two. We also needed real cooking utensils, pots, pans and my big wish was a Cuisinart.  We skipped the superfluous ice cream makers, toilet seat covers, coordinated tissue box holders and the like in hopes that we might be able to finally get the necessities.

This is important to remember when buying a wedding gift.  If the couple registers for 10 dinner plates, don’t opt to buy them two chargers from the same collection.  If they ask for highball glasses, don’t buy them champagne flutes. If they wanted champagne flutes or chargers, they would have registered for them.

That said, there are some exceptions to the rule.

If the couple is a bit older, and are somewhat well-established working professionals, chances are they don’t need too much, in which case I tend to think that a registry is somewhat inappropriate.  The same is true when this is a second marriage for both.  This is the time to buy them something special based on their lifestlye, rather than just give them “stuff” for the case of getting “stuff: a piece of art, an antique, a museum membership or even a charitable contribution are all thoughtful and meaningful gifts.

And while I know that a gay marriage will take some getting used to for most of us, the main point is to celebrate the couple’s commitment to each other, while mindfully following the traditions we have of the wedding celebration.

We did, however, receive a few off-the-registry gifts, which I still cherish to this day, but they were thoughtful items appropriate and special to us (and mind you, we also received a few that were also awful). My cousin and his wife gave us a handmade glass Sangria set from Peru that is just beautiful. The family of my husband’s childhood friend gave us a bottle of liquor made from their estate in Croatia along with a set of glasses designed to drink it. And my pseudo-grandfather gave us 200 $1 bills “to spend at will on our honeymoon!!”

One non-registry gift I think is absolutely stunning is our Forever Teapot Set For Two ($98.75). It is a beautiful porcelain tea pot and cup set designed just for two people. I also love the idea of giving 3-5 Loop Candelabras ($24.75), which will allow the couple endless possibilities when setting a beautiful table. 


Also Kylie, if you still want to give them something special, consider dividing your gift into two parts: half of what you want to spend goes towards something on their registry, and the other half to something special and different. Or, use the engagement gift as your time for something unique. This way both you and the couple are happy.

Have a blast at the wedding!

Love,
Tracey

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